A B APPLIANCE REPAIR

Part of a project documenting the HIV community in Portland, ME.

Interview with Ron Goben
February 28, 2002

My name is Ron Goben. I live in Richmond, Maine. I was born in Bath in 1953 so you do the math. I was raised in the late 60’s and 70’s when standards are far different than they are now. Being raised in rural Maine, one was expected to be married. There was no other choice.

So I tried that route. I was married in 1972 and produced a progeny, a daughter, in 1974. I was married for 17 years, because I wanted my daughter to grow up and have a somewhat normal life. My wife knew I was gay prior to our marriage, but she thought, like so many people who don’t understand lifestyles, that I had met the right person and that she was Mrs. Right. As far as I know, there’s never a Mrs. Right (laughs). She found her way with extra-marital activities with another married man, and I found mine. It happened to be, at that time, anonymous sex in rest areas. I was fairly promiscuous until about 1984 when I realized that AIDS was here to stay and that I was just as at risk as anyone else. I got divorced in 1989 and met a wonderful man. We proceeded to court for about eight months. I moved in with him, and I’ve been with him ever since.

Like so many people, even though I had practiced what I considered safe sex since 1984, I really didn’t want to get tested. At the age of 39, I developed a muscular problem. I was an appliance repair man, lifting appliances and doing pretty butch stuff and I contributed it to old age. I put of going to the doctor for about eighteen months until I couldn’t take it anymore. I was a firm believer in if it wasn’t broke don’t fix it; I had not seen a doctor since I was 23. But I had been in the military- I was drafted at the age of 19 and went to Vietnam War. So I decided to cash in on that benefit. I went to TOGOS- a Veteran’s Administration office in Maine. I went up there not really knowing what was wrong. They tested me for everything from mono to muscular distrophy, because it was a muscular-skeletal condition. We ruled out about everything, and then he asked if I was at risk for HIV. I said “not recently,” meaning that I didn’t feel I was at risk. I had been with a partner monogamously since 1989. I had no clue, I figured HIV showed up 18 months after you were infected. I didn’t realize that it was a long-term disease.

I went back two weeks later for the results and brought my mother. Mom sat out in the waiting room and I went in to see the doctor. He called the lab for my results, and they came back positive. I was devastated. I cried, the doctor cried. You have to remember in 1993, there were about two drugs out for HIV. Not even knowing where I stood, how long I’d had the virus, I figured it was a death sentence. Basically- go home and put your affairs in order. I didn’t know of any support groups or services concerning HIV. I had known three people that had passed away from AIDS, but it wasn’t part of my life to know where they got help.

My mother knew the minute she saw my face. The doctor was very wise, and said ‘Let’s go get anti-depressants,” which is exactly what I did. I went directly on anti-depressants. Once you’re diagnosed with HIV, it’s an extreme rollercoaster. You just can’t imagine what goes through your brain, even in the middle of the night. Every little pain or ache, you think, is this the beginning of the end?

I went home and told my partner. I was petrified to tell him. He came home from work- he knew the minute he saw me. I told him he was free to do whatever he wanted, and I certainly understood. He didn’t know his status at that time either. He looked at me and said “It’s not your disease, it’s our disease.” I’ve really had a lot of support. It’s a key ingredient to longevity. He was tested and his test came back negative, and he’s still negative to this day. He gets tested about every six months.

We don’t do anything that puts him at risk, in fact we probably do the safest form of sexual entertainment that anyone can imagine. This is the level we’re comfortable at.

When I found out I was positive, I felt guilty, dirty, filthy. Was I immune to other sexually transmitted diseases? No, I had syphillis in 1986, I had a case of the clap in 1988- so I knew that I was putting myself at risk. The desire at the moment fogs reality in your brain. I don’t think that anybody that drinks or uses recreational drugs, when they’re in that heightened state of arousal, that they really think of the consequences. Just ‘the moment.’

The younger generation can’t understand can’t understand why I would get married knowing I was gay. You have to grow up in the atmosphere I grew up in, a rural farm land oriented, my father was ex-military and very staunch… that lifestyle wasn’t acceptable and I wasn’t ready to break away from my parents. Everybody tried to brainwash you at the time, and you actually

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